Our Wedding Vow Pow Wow

As the Barnes/Saffir wedding rumbles towards liftoff on August 16th (when you’ve been planning the thing for a year and a half, all of it begins to seem like some kind of loopy fever dream), we’re getting into some of the meatier parts of the proceedings. One area that’s always a good bet for generalized hilarity are the official wedding vows. There are tons of choices when it comes to the vows: do we use cherished language from the Bible and/or the religion of our choice? Do we write our own? Or do we do some haphazard mishmash of those two options that makes us look jittery, indecisive, and non-committal as we stand at the altar?

As Samantha and I sort through these options considering how sappy and dramatic we want to be with our wedding vows and wondering how high we should set the bar for future commitments within the relationship (“I promise to cuddle for 5-10 minutes each night before making you a customized ice cream sundae with rotating flavors each day of the week” is an unreal statement of devotion, but can you really deliver on that kind of awestriking promise?), it occurred to me that the whole “till death do us part” section is totally irrational and a cop out.

I understand that the vows just codify a commitment that you're making towards your partner during this lifetime, but doesn’t that leave a whole lot of wiggle room for the relentless yawn of eternity that follows death? Even if you don’t believe in God, wouldn’t it make sense to link up with your spouse for a little longer than the next 40+ years? “Till death do us part” implies that life as a swinging single is only a few decades away….you just need to wait out the clock on your worldly existence until you get there. I can just see your typical Grade A dirtbag of a guy mired in an unhappy, middle-aged marriage pining for the gates of Heaven as some sort of ethereal, spiritual Spring Break on South Padre Island.

None of us is to mention how dour it is talking up death on your wedding day. "I'll love you until that unavoidable day of tragedy when my body and/or mind gives out....maybe tomorrow, maybe in 42 years, 4 months and 3 days, who really knows? In any case, let's just be clear that at some unknowable, frightful date in the future we'll never see or speak to each other again. Never ever ever." Cheers!

Of course making a commitment for all eternity is a heavy stuff, especially when avoiding divorce in the mortal world is only a 50/50 proposition. But I say "go big or go home." If you're not ready to throw down for some serious holy matrimony, then maybe you're not ready to play with the big boys in the marriage game. And I think we all know that Spring Break (on earth or in heaven) isn't the best place to meet your future spouse.

Comments

[Eyewash]

I think you guys should just wing it with the vows...you both know what you're after, plus your improv comedy experience should help you to come up with something witty on the spot. Seriously, I saw this done at a recent wedding in Chicago and it was the most memorable part of the event (nothing to do with the fact that it took place before they busted out the Margaritas).

[Seth Barnes]

I'll do it contingent on us beat boxing the improv parts...

[Nash House]

Wedding's are all about speaking from the heart. So the truly manly thing would be to come up with your vows as the microphone is passed to you.

And remember, more important than pledging your undying love to your woman is remembering how much you like to make your friends laugh--as you'll notice, they're sitting in the pews all around you and they're pretty much a captive audience at that point.

[Chris Felax]

Hey, at least you'll have "vows" and not "wows." Yes, I said "wows." My cousin had "wows" at her wedding. Luckily, I was not able to attend said wedding or I would've had a permanent busted facial muscle from holding back laughter.

[Seth Barnes]

That's great Chris, wedding wows is definitely a case of "thinking out of the box" run rampant...