We went hiking yesterday through Corral Canyon in Malibu. An interesting choice considering Santa Ana winds have been roaring all weekend igniting two massive fires in the Valley that pumped lung-clogging smoke into the canyon. Nothing says cardiovascular health like several thousand metric tons of hot ashy smoking billowing at the speed of a Jonathan Papelbon fastball.
So instead of hiking the top ridge which resembled apocalyptic battlefield aftermath from the movie "300," we drove down (avoiding cascading rock slides loosened by the wind) to a lower elevation hike that wouldn't require a National Forest Service rescue. And while this hike was more of a layman's romp, we got into a noteworthy discussion about hiker's protocol if attacked by any variety of wild, unpredictable beast. As I've made clear, while Samantha and I are no Lewis and Clark when it comes to trekking through the great outdoors, we do have a good deal of experience hiking in the American West...but we truly couldn't recall the different maneuvers required if confronted by mountain lion, bear, bobcat, moose etc. etc. With a mountain lion (the most likely adversary on this Corral Canyon trail) we seemed to think that walking briskly, but not breaking into stride, in the exact opposite direction was the rule. Or wait, are you supposed to duck into a tight ball and play dead? Perhaps you stand completely still, close your eyes tight, and hold your breath so they don't pick up your scent? Or was that what you did with a black bear? What about a brown bear? I think they say to call to a brown bear in a firm, non-confrontational, non-fearful voice "I'm here bear" like you own the trail. And stand your ground. Above all, don't show any fear. But what if you're supposed to run from a brown bear like Usain Bolt and instead you stand there feeding him dopey John Wayne one liners? What if you're supposed to blend into the surrounding fauna as the mountain lion pounces toward you and instead you stand your ground like a slab of Kobe Beef ready for the tasting menu? Of course you could Google "what to do in mountain lion attack" on your iPhone as mother lion comes to shred your jugular, but in that case, you're such a chump that the human race should cheer your mortal demise. Of course I did just that and found this curious nugget of advice:
"Never run away from a mountain lion. Running stimulates a mountain lions
natural instinct to chase. Be sure to always make contact with the lion
and stand up as tall as possible. By making yourself look larger it
intimidates the lion and often makes them turn and run. Open your
jacket and flap it about, yell, throw stones but make sure you react so
that the cat knows that you are the one in control, not him."
Oh right, making physical contact with a wild lion is my first instinct, as is standing large and tall like an offensive lineman on a steroid binge. Can a suburban office park worker really wrest control of the situation from a scared, aggressively predatory lion? Does anybody really do this stuff, or do they just forget everything and crap themselves, squealing for mercy like a defenseless child?
My best tactic moving forward (instead of hitting the mountain lion "as hard as possible especially to the head area") is to pray to the good lord that I don't get into this situation. Please, please, don't let it happen. And yesterday, it worked out. We were lucky. The only beast we came across was our golden retriever Auggie, who as you can see in the picture above taken after the hike, isn't in the best shape to be attacking his human handlers.
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