Banks are failing. The stock market resembles a cosmic yo-yo, rocketing up down with bi-polar ferocity on almost a daily basis. The credit markets are frozen. 401(k) savings and retirement plans are in shambles. The government has sprung into action, but are they doing all they can to stem this financial crisis?
Maybe not. A growing faction of elected officials is beginning to embrace a radical plan to inject liquidity and solvency into the financial system. Quite simply, they believe that Americans should turn to loansharking. "America's network of neighborhood mobsters and two-bit, money laundering hoodlums is an asset that we should not ignore," said a Treasury official who asked to remain anonymous because in his official position, promoting felonious interest rates as high as 55% would be unseemly and ridiculously desperate.
"Think about it," continued the official. "The stock market has disgorged over 40% of its year-over-year value. Jeepers, the S&P 500 was down almost 10% yesterday! At this point it's really a question of who you want to smash in your kneecaps: the goddamn markets or some thug named Bruno with slicked back hair and a maroon leather jacket. At least Bruno is liquid."
In these dire times, nobody (and we mean nobody) actually has the confidence to approve a loan if you're interested in buying a car, fixing up your home, or growing a small business. So as much as it may (literally) hurt to drive down to the scummy part of the city and plead with a Christopher Moltisanti lookalike for a few wads of cash that come with vigorish so crippling that your unborn grandchildren will still be paying off the principal when you croak, what other choice does the average citizen have?
"In the early part of the 20th century, this is how the economy worked," said the anonymous official. "I think most Americans have seen The Godfather II, and that situation wasn't so bad. The crooks on Wall Street will just be replaced with local crooks like Vito Corleone. At least he cared about his community! Is the pinch you're in right now really better than the pinch you'll be in when your hand's in a welding vice because the weekly payment is a little light?"
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