(Throw) Pillow Talk

Some say that Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus. Others see differences between the sexes in the leisure activities they favor: men knock back beers with their buddies watching a game, women prefer shopping and Hollywood gossip. But I've come to believe there’s a single defining trait separating the male and female species. A line in the sand that essentially defines gender as we know it. Women like throw pillows. Guys don't even understand what they are.

To me, throw pillows are a modern Stonehenge. Where did they come from? Why are they here? I think I speak for all men when I say I'm totally baffled and a little spooked out by the whole concept.

Let me emphasize this last point: it's not that we harbor resentment and disdain for the throw pillow...we literally cannot conceive of their utility and purpose. It's as if throw pillows exist in another realm, another dimension beyond our comprehension and sensory perception. Throw pillows are effectively ghosts that can only communicate with and be seen by women. Guys are blind to their cute ruffles and carefully stitched flower patterns. Put a throw pillow in the hands of the average man and he’s likely to lie his scruffy head on it and take a nap…which of course is the number one No No when it comes to these dainty little bundles of comfort. No sleeping allowed! Just observe/admire from a safe distance if you please. In fact, don’t even think about moving it from its strategic perch on the couch. And certainly don’t sit on it! In fact, come to think of it…don’t even look at it.

Our friends at Google have aggregated some definitions that right to the essence of the throw pillow. I like this one the best, as it's short, sweet, and gets right to the point:

“…a small cushion that is used for decorative purposes”

The key phrase here is "decorative purposes." Therein lies the crux of what I consider to be sheer ridiculousness, because in my world there is no decoration. Wouldn’t it just be easier to have one class of generalized pillows serving all cushioning needs alike? When did we get so frilly and fussy? Isn’t a pillow little more than a drool capturing device? And by elevating them into the realm of kitschy “art” aren’t we taking our eye of the important things in life that deserve our attention?

As I considered this sad state of affairs, I came across a couple web sites that made me even more despondent. To the good folks at The Throw Pillow Source, I’d ask “Does the average shockingly obese American really need a pillow with the phrase “Cheesecake: New York Style” emblazoned into it (although maybe, when you’re so fat you can barely breathe and spend your days lollygagging on the couch, it’s nice to have a reminder about what put you there in the first place)?” Over at DecrotiveThrowPillows.net things aren’t much better as they plaster pillows with our favorite sports teams, beer, and the American flag. Original.

The throw pillow reminds me of the ceremonial first pitch in baseball. Overhyped, poorly executed and generally a pretty lame embarrassment that leaves everyone awkwardly blushing and twiddling their thumbs. So enough already. Let's take throw pillows off the inactive list and put them back onto the playing field where they belong.

Comments

[Alex Bain]

Great topic. I couldn't agree with you more. Whenever women complain about having to change their name after getting married, I always say that the equivalent sacrifice a guy makes is putting up with throw pillows the rest of his life. The worse a name he's asking he to take, the more $ she can waste on pillows. A woman that chooses not to take her husband's name, must live in a home with purely utilitarian pillows.

[sam]

no comment.

Except for one:
i hope the very nice friend who gave us our very nice pillows for a very nice wedding gift does not read your column.

[Austen]

We got four of them in a small box from an estranged aunt a few days after our engagement. I still have no idea how we're going to use them unless the cast of 'Little People, Big World' shows up on our doorstep looking for a place to lay their tiny heads.

[Seth Barnes]

Ha ha, the name change analogy and estranged aunt bits are great. Something must be done about this.