Hello and welcome to members of the media, my political colleagues, employees of The Governor's Office, and citizens of this great state. Three years ago I stood before you in a very different fashion as I took the Oath of Office in Capital Square and pledged to work faithfully as a humble public servant in pursuit of the people's business. While it wasn't spoken of directly, there was another type of business I know you were thinking of that day. A type of business that you expected me to carry out as the Governor of a major state. A sensational, scandalous, prurient, naughty, secret, lustful type of business that makes anyone with a functional brain shake their head and guffaw with indignation and gossipy intrigue. I speak of course of extramarital affair business, or kinky group sex business, or coming-out-of-the-closet-and-marrying-a-secret-male-lover business, or any combination of scenarios that involve me dropping my fancy Italian suit trousers in a strange place with a strange person who most definitely isn't my devoted wife of 25 years.
This type of business is so common among our nation's Governors that I know you expect and demand such conduct of me. So I am here today to tell you that I love my wife dearly and have not cheated on her. Not even close. I've been faithful to the covenants of our marriage, and on a slightly personal note, I am completely enraptured by the special sexual and emotional bond that grows stronger between us with every passing day like a sensual flame kindled by love of God Our Father. I am not a low-down scumbag who makes a fleeting dash at covering up deep-seeded insecurities by flinging around in a cheap motel room with some floozy while his security detail makes up preposterous stories about "a solitary hang-gliding session to relax before stressful budget negotiations." I am a monogamist and family man. I have not had an affair. And I apologize, and am very, very sorry for these actions.
On the day of my inauguration, God whispered something to me as we rode the parade route down Central Avenue. He said..."Do not let power and fame destroy your family. Stay true to your faith and continue putting your family first even though it may seem impossible at times." I had to smile, because that was the only thing I wanted in life: honorable service to my fellow man and a loving family. Golly, it sure was great to have The Big Guy In The Sky back me up! But I know my adherence to a simple code of moral conduct leaves something lacking for you. It's blah. It's drab. It totally lacks sizzle and shock value. You probably have friends in other states who refresh CNN.com on their lunch break to find their Governor, yet again, collapsing on a podium at a press conference as he exposes some sinful and shame-riddled sex act into the media glare like a seeping wound.
I know you've come to anticipate that elected officials will be philandering hypocrites who airily talk about concepts like family values and the sanctity of marriage out of one side of their mouth, while plowing full steam behind the scenes into risky, even dangerous trysts with their friend's spouses, secret mistresses, high-end call girls, and the occasional petting zoo animal. After all, this is what politicians do in our modern world: weird stuff in the bedroom that even the creators of South Park would have a tough time dreaming up. I apologize for upending that stereotype.
I wish I stood here today with better, edgier news. I know you'd have a lot more to talk about around the dinner table if I was liaising with a cocktail waitress named Tammi in my free time instead of fishing with my son, organizing girl scout raffles, and scribbling love haikus for the beautiful woman I've called Mrs. Sweetie Pie for a quarter of a century. I know you'd prefer that I seek validation as an alpha male by wearing a disguise and going on spring break to South Padre Island to pick up college girls half my age...and then having that scandal explode like a neutron bomb when the Daily Examiner intercepts a drunken email written on a state-issued Blackberry to my Chief of Staff bragging about my exploits. Sorry folks, I'm just not that guy. I feel validated as a man by making a hot cup of tea for my wife when she has the sniffles, that's just who I am.
In closing, I know you're disappointed because you're already packing up the cameras and flashbulbs. This press conference won't even be mentioned on the local news. But that's not why I'm crying. These are tears of joy for my family, and for the greater family that we're all a part of under the loving gaze of our Creator. While you're more likely to find me with a potato sack around my ankles at a Father/Daughter picnic than with my pants around my ankles in a State House janitor's closet, that doesn't change the fact that I always have your best interest in mind with every action I take. I apologize for not being the scandal-ridden buffoon you thought you elected. I apologize for being a good man, I know it's boring as all heck.
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