To The Hiring Committee:
I am writing to express my extreme interest (one could even call it a
progressive, increasingly relentless monomania) in the positions listed on your
corporate website. Note that I'm not confining the auspices of this
communication to a single position. I want, and adore, them all. Associate
Manger. Junior Analyst. Senior Vice President of What Have You. According to an
authoritative source, as a
fully developed bipedal primate in the family Hominidae, I have "a
highly developed brain capable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection,
and problem solving." This combined with an "erect body carriage that
frees the forelimbs for manipulating objects" makes me well qualified for
any role the folks in HR could dream up. Indeed, I'm willing to manipulate
objects, clients, or co-workers. Whatever you need. Just let me know. I can
build tools, synergies, management efficiencies...or petty office rivalries
that will ultimately allow me to covertly advance the agenda of your choosing.
Before we go any further, let's get something out of the way. Felony
conviction. There, I said it. I know that expert HR professionals like yourself
employ sophisticated keyword scanning software to sort through resumes and
cover letters, so while the words "felony conviction" are highlighted
in yellow on your computer screen, let me get out in front of this one and
apologize once and for all for that unfortunate night on the riverboat casino
in Shreveport. Neither I nor Tootsie (I believe that was her name) had any idea
that Bacardi 151 was combustible to the extent that I, a quiet white boy from the
suburbs of Connecticut, could actually breathe fire after a handful (okay...an
armload) of cocktails. In truth, if you'd been there you would have been
laughing your off ass off right aside Tootsie as I carried out an amazing David
Copperfield impression at the high limit blackjack table. "Limit" is
an appropriate word here, because now I have one when it comes to quaffing
grain liquor, playing with fire, losing my 401K in card rooms, and hanging out
with drug-addicted showgirls. Lesson(s) learned, right?
Anyhow, here’s the gist of why I'm writing to some faceless corporate
recruiter on a sunny afternoon instead of rollerblading or flirting with the
Mommies at my neighborhood pool: I can make cash spit out of a computer like a
snowmaking gun. Really, I can. Believe it brother/sister. But heed this
warning: if taken on as employee, I cannot be held responsible for any physical
injuries or mental twistups that may occur to you or your staff as a result of millions
of dollars in newly minted bills streaming around your headquarters at a high
rate of speed. Paper cuts, whiplash, asphyxiation, and wanton delirium are just
a few of the potential outcomes once I start the magic process, known only to
me, of spontaneously creating bucketloads of money out of thin air. Perhaps you’re
curious about my exact methods for effecting this “cash craze,” perhaps you want
more details, or even a single detail, before committing to my 7-8 figure
salary demands (meant to tell you that…my salary needs are in the 7-8 figure
range)? Well fellow/lady, I can’t release any more information on the Q3 Cash
Out of Nowhere Project until we’re meeting face to face in your office and the
ink is dry on my 5-year guaranteed contract with a employee option for the 6th
year. Naturally, as your newly contracted employee, I’ll be more than willing to
share the bounty of cold hard currency that follows me wherever I roam like a
groupie tagging along behind Lenny Kravitz, but I do suggest that your procure
five or six heavy duty lawn rakes and/or steel reinforced pitchforks so we can
clear a path between the piles of money and the lunchroom. Lunch is important
to me. Please note: I cannot make money shoot out of my computer if I'm even a
little bit hungry or if the vending machine runs out of Diet Dr. Pepper.
The potential partnership I’m describing here is the paragon of what some
corporate gobblyspeak blowhard might call a “mutually beneficial winback cycle”
whereby my magical bottom-line strategy of turning a Dell Latitude E6500 laptop
into a funhouse ATM machine results in a year-over-year spike in ecstasy and good tidings. I’m not sure if we’ll need to leverage anything, but I’ll
be sure to show up with a crowbar on my starting date, they're always
useful for shoveling cash around if one of the rakes snaps in half.
Admittedly, there are a lot of talented candidates
out there…but quick question: do any of them have the means to generate revenue from their
fingertips like a mother f-ing wizard? I am not just a rising star, I am an acknowledged
Spirit Being with mystical powers and a tenderhearted soul. And it’s about time
somebody started treating me likewise. I’m thinking your company would be a
good place to start.
I look forward to hearing from you...right now. Now. Email me with an offer right now. Do it!
Email me or else!
Sincerely,
The Spirit Being
P.S. I mean it! N-O-W!!
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